Everything is fine
by QueenPotatos
Summary: Except that sometimes nothing is fine, nothing at all.


It's their final race, and again they touch the wall together. Another tie. Another shared podium. But this time it's different. This time it's during nationals and the scouts are watching them. This victory leaves a sweet taste in his mouth; it's something he had never before dared to hope for. Even if they swim in different lines, Haru expects Rin to come to him, hug him, to talk to him about the sight again. And Haru yearns for it; because if Rin isn't there with him it doesn't feel right – it doesn't feel like a real victory.

And when he turns around, Rin is there, indeed. Haru can see the tears falling on his face. Even if these tears are from happiness Haru still doesn't like to watch him cry. It makes him uncomfortable. It makes him want to reach over and wipe them away. It makes him want to hug him close to his heart in an intimate way and it's not something he can afford to do when the scouts are watching them. Not when his selfish gesture could risk their chances to get to the national team. Sousuke had warned him. After what they'd done at regionals last year, Rin only has one chance left, and Haru can't fail him, not again, not now, not when he needs him the most.

Haru smiles when he sees Rin getting close to him, even if he doesn't want to. It's like he can't really control himself when they are together, when they've just shared the water, when every single cell of his body remembers how it feels like to be with Rin. Haru is high on adrenaline and endorphins from the race and his heartbeat pounds loud in his ears. He takes a deep breath when he feels Rin's arms curled around his waist to bring him close to his chest. _'Breathe'_, he thinks; he has to remain in control while every pair of eyes are on them. He will let go eventually, but only later when Rin isn't holding him so close – when the race is way behind them. But then, will Rin still be there, safe and sound in his arms when that time happens?

Probably not. But it's okay. Haru has never expected anything from Rin. A least not in a romantic way. It's been a while since he had reached that point, where Rin is his unreachable goal, something that shines too much for him to claim, something he is not worthy to have. And it's fine, really; it's perfectly fine, as long as Rin's skin isn't burning against his own, and he can't feel his breath on the crook of his neck.

Everything is fine; until Rin lifts him up in the air and makes him spin. Now it feels suffocating; the air around them gets hot and wet and it's not filling his lungs properly. And as if it wasn't enough, as soon as Rin puts him down he links their forehead and sighs. It's not much, it's a light touch, almost nonexistent but it's also beautiful, it sounds like a promise, something intimate. It's not something Haru can handle, not now, not when he feels so happy and overwhelmed by the warm body holding him as if he was the only person in the world.

He drops his gaze; his cheeks are burning and he doesn't want Rin to notice. If only he knew...if he ever finds out...would he still want to hold him close like that?

"Haru..."

Rin is sobbing but his voice is as bright as the sun. Haru wants to ignore it, to ignore the butterflies in his stomach and all the things Rin does to him – be it good or bad, even if right now he can only think of good ones - and on top of everything he wants to ignore Rin's hand, cupping his chin gently, forcing their eyes to meet.

Rin is talking but he cannot hear him. His lips are moving and Haru just wants to kiss them. His toes curl but it's too late, his body moves forward on its own. It's too bad the scouts are here, too bad the sport's world isn't ready for open homosexuality because Haru-

No. He can't do that. He can't do that to Rin. He has to get out of here before he causes more irreversible damage.

"Haru, you don't have any idea how much this means to-"

Haru gets away from Rin's embrace, almost hurting him as he gets free of his arms and runs toward the locker room. He tries to avoid his own team mates, avoids their gaze but then Makoto grabs his wrist, stopping him in his mad race.

"Haru!" he calls out, but then Haru turns around and Makoto sees his face, and he can't do anything else but let him go.

His cheeks are crimson and he feels like crying. Or maybe he is. Haru doesn't know anymore. The look on Makoto's face is alarming but it's not like with Rin; that he can ignore. As he tries to regain his calm under the shower, he hopes only his own team have witnessed the despair on his face; he really does.

* * *

It takes him an entire day to realize that Rin has been talking to him before ditching him on the altar.

Well, he hasn't really; it's not like they are about to get married… or that they might marry one day, or that Rin would want to marry him. But why is he suddenly thinking about all these things anyway? They aren't even dating. And Rin probably doesn't want to hear about him after what he's done... God, Haru sounds like a teenage girl in a bad American movie and it pisses him off.

He endlessly rolls back and forth on his bed, and has been doing so since he'd woken up. It's not something he usually does, or that he can control, but it seems to ease his mind from the dull pain in his chest. He remembers Rin's warmth there, and now that there is a good chance that Rin would never hold him like that again...

_'You have no idea of how much this means to-'_

Haru hits his head with his pillow. Why did he leave before Rin could finish his sentence? What did he mean by 'this'? The race, the scouts, the tie, the HUG, or just their friendship? Argh! Haru beats his head again. He sucks, he sucks so much at relationships.

He has to stop thinking about those kind of things. He needs...a bath.

(It's not like he has spent the rest of the previous day inside his tub though, no, not at all.)

The water feels cold when he is not sharing it with Rin. If only...

Haru blushed at the thought and plunges under water, never to reappear again.

* * *

It's been a week, and Haru hasn't checked his phone yet. He knows someone had tried to call him, but if he looks at the screen only to find Makoto's missing calls he won't be able to handle it. It's funny, it's been so long since he hasn't spent a week without seeing Rin, or talking to him, and yet, he has never thought about him so much.

Makoto eventually knocks at his front door when Haru is in the kitchen, making some tea. He doesn't answer but it's not like he needs to. He hears his friend coming in and checking on the bathroom first and calling his name - so he speaks, at last, because Makoto is too precious to be made fun of.

He hasn't been back in school so Makoto brings him homework, and insists that he wants to stay and helps Haru in case he has trouble understanding some difficult math problems.

"But you're awful with math, how are you supposed to help me?"

"I know, that's why Rin is coming over to help."

"Ah, ok-Wait. What?"

Makoto looks at the roof, with his 'I'm looking innocent and all but I know something is up and I'm just pretending I didn't notice' face and Haru just wants to get on his bed, and roll like a mad man, and punch Makoto's face with his pillow.

"He won't be here until 3 pm though," he said, checking on his phone. "It leaves us one hour to work on other subjects. He has tried to call you, you know?"

Suddenly, Haru stands up with an irrepressible urge to use the bathroom - or he pretends to. He takes out his phone to check on his missed calls. Makoto is right; among his own calls there are three from Rin. He even had left a message after the last one. Haru's fingers are shaking slightly as he is about to listen to the message, but in the end Haru decides that he can't make Makoto wait too long - it would be too suspicious - and so he forgets about it, and gets down as soon as his heartbeat is back to normal.

"Oh, you found your phone in the toilet?"

Haru sends him a glare. He hates it, when Makoto is smiling like that – as if he knows.

The hour passes quickly, at least for Haru. He hasn't really been attentive to what Makoto's tried to teach him. Instead he just draws, little sketches – almost all of Rin, he realizes too late – as well as small hearts on the top corner of his page. He does that without realizing and when 3.00 PM comes he checks the clock every minute, to make the time go faster, to make Rin arrive faster, because even if he doesn't want to see him he needs to see him - he has called, he cares, and maybe 'this' means something for Rin and he needs to know.

"You're weird," says Makoto all of a sudden. Haru takes off his eyes off the clock and looks at him instead.

"What's weird? I'm perfectly normal."

"That's why I said you were weird today. You almost behave like a normal person."

Haru's knuckles turn white because what Makoto says is true. Since wanting to kiss Rin, he hasn't felt like himself at all, and it bothers him more than it should. It's feels like something has changed when really nothing has. Well they haven't done anything...have they? He didn't kiss him. He had just...wanted to. That's a totally different thing.

The bell rings and Haru quickly hides all his drawings before Makoto opens the door for Rin. Haru had an hour to think about how to greet him - he made a lot of different plans in his head while Makoto was reading the literature essay - and finally decided that he just wouldn't. It would be easier that way. If Makoto stays with them and if he avoids his glances, then it will give him time to adjust to Rin, to find what to say, the right words to explain what he has done without scaring him.

He hears the door closing and he can feel Rin coming closer - he doesn't have to look, he knows it's him; because it's his footstep and the squeak of his shoes and it's his scent – it's Rin – and he prays for Makoto to come quicker. And he waits, and he waits...

"Hi." Rin's voice is odd. It doesn't sound like it's his; it's as if he has borrowed someone else's.

When he turns around to find Makoto's comforting smile he finds out he is not there. Rin is standing alone in the entrance hall, his hand hidden in his vest and Makoto is nowhere to be seen. When Haru looks back at his former seat there is nothing left, nothing that could tell that Makoto has spent the last hour here with him. His mind has been so busy with Rin that he hasn't even realized all of Makoto's stuff is long gone. He had left him alone with Rin; it has been the plan all along.

"So, hum," Rin scratches the back of his head. "Makoto said you had some...really hard problems to resolve and that you needed me."

Eventually Haru lifts his eyes. Rin is still bright as the sun, but it's a shy morning sun; its rays aren't burning him – not yet, and Haru sighs in relief.

"Ah. It's a math problem." he just says, showing him the notebook with the page open to the one with the hearts on the top corner, and Haru quickly turns the page; not too late he hopes.

"...He never told me it was about math."

There is a small pause. Rin looks disappointed, but still he sits down just next to Haru and starts reading the problem with him.

"Well, that's pretty simple if you read the lesson. You really aren't attentive, hn?"

"I wasn't in class that day."

"Oh?" Rin leaves the problem to concentrate on Haru's face, and he wishes he hadn't, because it feels like being vulnerable again and Haru hates it. "Are you alright?"

Of course he is fine. As long as Rin isn't there looking at him with concern on his face, he is fine. As long as his heart doesn't suddenly feel light at the single thought that Rin could be worried about him, he is fine. As long as he doesn't think about how the person next to him doesn't like him as he wishes he would, everything is fine. Nothing hurts, until Rin feels so close and yet too far to reach.

And that makes him feel miserable.

Haru goes back to his work. The silence between them is so heavy than he could probably knock out Makoto with it. He doesn't realize he hasn't answered Rin, and that it's probably the reason why his voice is unsteady when he starts to explain the concept of integrals. They are both very uncomfortable now, and to think that a week ago they had been in each other's arms as if it had been the most natural thing in the world makes Haru ache, so much, so fucking much.

His breath is caught in his throat again, and his body feels too heavy to move. Rin needs to get out. He can't stay here, not when every single one of his moves or glances is putting him on edge. He doesn't know what to do, what to expect, or what Rin had been thinking before arriving at his house - nothing related to math it seems - and it's killing him. The wait is killing him, the lack of knowledge, the fact that he doesn't know how to fully read Rin yet, and the fact that he is afraid they will be stuck like that forever scares him so much that it paralyzes his thought.

It's simple, really. He just has to ask. 'Rin, about what you said - about what I almost did - about me running away - what were you talking about that day - I desperately need to know'. The funniest thing about them is that Rin is probably having the same brainstorm in his mind; and Haru can't help but smile. They are really pathetic.

(Still, he can't bring himself to ask Rin about it. Or if he likes him. The words aren't even near to reach his throat.)

They finish quite quickly – Haru never thought he could be good in math. His body is rejecting Rin right now, and it is the best way to make him go without causing more damage than he has already caused. He walks him to the door. Their steps are small and careful, as if they are both walking on eggshells.

Haru has his phone in his pocket. Rin seems to notice.

"Oh, hm, I tried to call you..."

_'It's almost finished'_, Haru thinks, just a little bit more to handle, just a few more minutes and he can stop ignoring his pounding heart, and the dizziness caused by Rin's strong presence in his personal space-

"I got scouted."

The silence that falls after that isn't awkward; it's clear and pure, and it strong enough to break the invisible wall that Haru had built between them. If he concentrates a little, he can see the stars in Rin's eyes and cherry blossom petals flying behind him. Rin's smile is shy and somehow Haru knows it's something only for him to see. He wants to be in his arms again, so badly, because he has forgotten why they were feeling so uncomfortable, why they had stopped talking, or how he could have wanted him out of his place. Because if Rin is happy then, really, everything is going to be fine.

"It's..."

"Yeah, I know."

"I'm so happy for you."

"They probably tried to call you too."

"I don't know."

"Well they've called Makoto, so-"

"He didn't tell me anything."

"He said you had something to work out on your own, first, before he could tell you."

Haru looks at Rin's lips. The glance is automatic, not something he chose to do or that he can control. He is attracted to Rin, not only by his lips, and it's something he is tired of fighting back.

But if they get scouted together, then, nothing could ever happen between them. It's meaningless to confess now, isn't it? What good could possibly happen if he does? Haru could get rejected but Rin would understand, or even worse, Rin could return his feelings but then, would say that they can't be together because now they are part of the national team and it's not something they can afford to do. Or they could hide. They could be in love and hide, and still get to the Olympics and then, when Rin has his gold medal hung around his neck, when he will bite on it with his sharp teeth, then Haru might take the risk and kiss him in the front light.

Yeah, that's something he can do, certainly. If he has something to look forward to, then he can handle it. He can handle Rin and his overwhelming feelings for him.

Rin's eyes are shy on him, and he scratches the back of his head again. He looks like he wants to ask him something but doesn't know how to. It must be something embarrassing.

"Can I..." he starts, and then Rin closes the gap between them and reaches for his arms. Haru doesn't find the strength to say no.

The hug is pleasant. It's not too strong, it's not too much, it's not overwhelming like their last embrace but still, it's a warm and nice feeling and it's enough to make his heart beat faster. He feels safe in Rin's arms, it's like he was meant to be there from the very beginning, and now his fake and vain attempt to run from it seems so futile to him. He has been so stupid to think he could ever run away from that.

He almost holds on Rin's shirt when he pulls away, but then Rin leans closer, and their foreheads are stuck together again, and time stops. Haru's vision blurs near the corner of his eyes, and focuses on Rin lips only. Oh, please, not now, not again.

"Haru..." he breathes, and it reminds him so much about last week's incident that his body freezes. His voice isn't bright anymore; he sounds so serious that Haru dreads what he is about to say, but he doesn't run away. This time he won't.

"About what I said last time..."

Rin's lips move, and Haru wants to kiss them; that hasn't changed one bit. His toes curl and his body leans on its own but this time, there is no scouts, there is no pool there is no one else but Rin in his arms. And suddenly it gives him an burst of courage and when his chest touches Rin, he doesn't pull away.

It's not a kiss. It's just a touch. Haru brushes his lips against Rin's and it's enough to send chills down his spine. They are dry and warm, firm and full, it's everything his own lips aren't and now that he thinks about it, Rin is everything he isn't; he is the missing piece of the puzzle he needs to feel whole again.

Rin's lips feel wonderful, but they are also unmoving, unresponsive, unsmiling.

It only strikes Haru now that maybe his lips on Rin isn't something they both wanted. Rin's arms fall flat on his sides. His eyes are lost. They are no stars hidden inside those red jewels, and Haru wants to run again.

And that's what he does. He runs, gets out of the house and closes the door behind him. He runs down the stairs, down to Makoto's house and it's only halfway that he realizes he is running away from his own home. That he has left Rin lost and confused, probably even more than him, alone in his own house.

He doesn't want to go back. He wants to swim, to find peace and quiet under water, to shut down all these emotions that are rushing to his eyes. But he can't leave Rin in that state. There isn't just him. He can't hide anymore, because now Rin knows, and he is probably in the same mess, and Rin will need him, not to be left alone in a house that isn't even his.

And so for Rin, he makes it; he walks slowly to the front door, takes a deep breath, and then, he opens the door. This time his eyes aren't just on Rin's lips. This time he wants to see him whole, so he can really understand how Rin can complete him, in every possible way.

It's going to be fine. It has to, because Haru will never forgive himself if it doesn't.


End file.
